Interview: Elizabeth Pantley (author, “No-Cry Sleep Solution”)

Meredith Magee Donnelly

Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Sleep Solution, speaks with sensitivity and intelligence about the challenges parents face in finding a balance between “nighttime neglect and daytime exhaustion”. What a breath of fresh air! I am delighted to share my interview with you.

Everywhere I look these days there seems to be a book, website or television segment discussing the sleeping habits of babies. How did you determine that there was a need for The No-Cry Series?

When my first child, Angela, was a baby, she did not sleep through the night. Far from it! She woke every two hours! As a new, inexperienced parent, I searched for solutions in books, articles, and conversations with other parents. I soon discovered two schools of thought when it comes to babies and sleep: One side advocates letting a baby cry until she learns to fall asleep on her own. The other side says that it is a parent’s job to nurture the baby — all day and all night — and eventually, when your baby is ready, she will sleep through the night. In a nutshell, the two methods can be summed up as “cry it out” or “live with it.” I wanted neither. I knew there had to be a kinder way, a road somewhere between nighttime neglect and daytime exhaustion that would be nurturing for my baby and for me. But I couldn’t find any answers. Time passed, and eventually my daughter did sleep through the night — but not until after her second birthday.

Twelve years later, my fourth baby, Coleton, was not sleeping through the night. Following in his older sister’s footsteps, and beating her record, he was waking nearly every hour!! Now a mature, seasoned parent and parenting book author, I found that my beliefs about letting a baby cry it out had not changed at all. I was certain that the intervening years would have produced new solutions. I thought I would find useful, concrete ideas in a book, and I began my search. The same old choice of two answers to my dilemma: Either let the baby cry it out or learn to live with it!

So I was on a mission! I immersed myself in whatever I could find on the subject, and collected a Test Group of 60 other sleep-deprived mothers. Slowly, from the middle ground between the misery of crying it out and the quiet fatigue of all-night parenting, rose a plan – a gentle, nurturing plan to help my baby sleep.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution was born. It has seen become a best-seller and has been translated into 17 other languages!

My “aha!” moment came while reading The No-Cry Sleep Solution when you spoke with such sensitivity about mothers relishing the quiet nighttime nursing sessions and the difficulty in letting these sessions go. Was there a moment you experienced that made you come to this realization?

Yes, that’s where it came from! I remember in the middle of one night, I lay nursing Coleton by the light of the moon. He was the youngest of four, and I was also a busy author, so this was a precious moment for us. The house was perfectly, peacefully quiet. As I gently stroked his downy hair and soft baby skin, I marveled at this tiny baby beside me—and the thought hit me, “I love this! I love these silent moments that we share in the night.” It was then that I realized I needed to want to make a change in our night waking habits before I would see reduction of his waking at night.

Why do you feel there is such a push to get babies to sleep through the night earlier and earlier, often making parents, like myself, feel like failures when our babies aren’t sleeping 12 hour stretches?

It’s today’s busy-busy world that disturbs the natural biological flow between parent and baby, and we are always facing a long to-do list. It is a challenge to go against that current. But, by approaching your baby’s sleep in a gradual, gentle and loving way (which, I think, is most natural) you will find that all your efforts will be rewarded.

In your new book, The No-Cry Nap Solution, you focus on creating positive nap routines for babies and toddlers. Are there different ways to approach positive napping versus nighttime sleeping?

The same basic fundamentals apply, but solving nap problems are almost more important than solving night waking problems! Naps take only a few hours of time, but naps – or lack of naps – shape all twenty-four hours of your child’s day. The quality and quantity of your child’s naps influence his mood, behavior, health, and brain development. Naps can affect how happy your child is when she wakes up in the morning and how easily she’ll go to bed at night. An appropriate nap schedule is a vital component for your child’s healthy, happy life. When you consider all of this, you’ll also understand that your child’s naps – or lack of naps – can affect all 24 hours of your day, as well as your child’s.

Any words of encouragement for the moms and dads reading this while sipping (guzzling) their 4th and 5th cups of coffee?

I can feel what’s in your heart, because I was once there too — I had two babies who were all-night wakers, so I know that right now you desperately need some sleep, and that you don’t want your sweet baby to cry. My husband and I have gone through the baby stage four times and believe me — this sleepless-baby-phase shall pass! And pass it does, all too soon.

My oldest child was a colicky, high-need, non-sleeping, non-napping baby, and required dedicated hands-on parenting while she was little. She never slept, was in my arms almost 24/7, and yet I would never resort to other’s advice to just ‘let her cry’ or to “stop holding her so much”. Now… she is a beautiful, sweet young woman, who is planning her wedding!! Those baby years are soooooooo long ago. But at the same time, it all flies by so very fast. I encourage you to enjoy every moment with your little one, even the sleepless ones….